Penn state. Happy valley. The greatest on earth.
Although all these things maybe true for some people, just not for me. For some reason I can’t seem to do anything right here.

I’ve realized I just don’t fit in anywhere. Even my “bestfriend” hates me and won’t even talk to me. Just because I refuse to be friend’s with someone who refuses to be my friend. Very stupid in my opinion.

I haven’t really made a connection with anyone. Well one person but he didn’t want anything like a relationship aka he likes someone else. I feel so incredibly lonely…. Sometimes i think Maybe I should just go home.

I just wish everything could just go the way i want. I want to make my boyfriend happy.I want to love him like i use to. I want my friend’s to stop making fun of me. I want my obsession to be perfect to go away. I want my mom to be happy. I want my sister’s cancer to go away. I want my sister’s to have the world. I want my grandparents and my mom to stop killing themselves and retire. I want to be famous. I want to make money to take care of my whole family. I want to love myself.

 I’m sorry I only blog when i’m upset or mad. But i have to. It’s the my way of getting it out kinda.

well things in my life have been peachy until i had epiphany. I think that my boyfriend is ashamed or embaressed by me. Why do i think this? A few occasions cause to mind:

1. Christmas: My boyfriend went to his aunt’s for a christmas party. I was invited but he didn’t bring because apparently he didn’t know i was allowed to come.

2. Friday: We were hanging out at his house in his room. His older brother had friends over and they were playing in the pool. My boy and I got hungry and refused to let me go downstairs to see what i wanted to eat. It really bothered me.

3. Today: He texts me and says he’s going to a party. Why doesn’t he ever take me out with him. I invited him to every party I go to because i know that everyone would love him just as much as i do. But he never does that for me.

It took forever just to let me meet his parents. He says he loves me but really it’s more like he’s ashamed of me or even worst cheating. I’m really bummed.

I lost my mother years ago. I don’t know when but I still don’t know where she went. I finally stopped trying to look for her, stopped begging her to love me. She doesn’t care. She never did. I’m sure she did at some point. But again i don’t know when that ended.

Now she’s just a stranger who refuses to call me, care for my well being, my health, just me period. I can’t remember the last time she did something for me because she wanted to. It’s hard enough I don’t have a father that loves me but now i can’t have mommy too? What did I do to her to push her away. Why is she so screwed up? Why can’t she just be a provider? Why can she love some guy and not me?

This whole situation would be a lot easier if Brett was around. But that’s a whole other story. It doesn’t end in tears just frustration. With that situation it’s mostly overreactions and loneliness. I hate being lonely. It drives me completely insane. Maybe I am insane because I can’t find someone to replace mommy’s love.

Don’t you wish that when someone who ended your friendship for no reason what so ever would stay out of your life and never ever talk to you again? Instead of constantly re-entering and making everything more difficult then it already is?

I really thought that my new life wouldn’t involve Sean but he just has to slither his way back into my life. After he made me go crazy out because of his selfish acts. I just happy he never messaged me back. Meaning he does hate me and he wants nothing to do with me. But if that the case why even bring me up or keep my number. It makes me soo mad.

but what can i do. fuck em.

I understand that we as humans all like different things. I know that different smells turn different people on. But if you have an unbelievable Boyfriend or Girlfriend why show them off to the world on your facebook??

No one wants to see you and your disgusting bf/gf making out on their newsfeed. It’s gross and distrubing.That’s why today I’m hiding every single disgusting couple from my news feed. Cause i’m totally and completely done with it.

…And that’s all i have to say. Rude? I know. but It’s true in my mind.

**I feel like this blog is becoming an opinion/complaining column that explains all the annoyances in life. I guess it doesn’t matter last long as I’m getting it out somehow**

Best Friends. This pharse is a pharse i use very loosely (in some cases). You never know when your best friend and you are going to go down seperate paths and you realize how much of a loser they are. I’m slowing realizing this about friends. It’s taking me awhile to accept.

So here’s where the story begins: The summer of 10th grade (about 3 years ago) I become best friends with this girl. We were inseperable and I thought she was the coolest person ever. I even turned on my family and friends a few time because of her. We did a lot of things that were extremely bad and half of them I still do but that’s just a flaw of mine. Anyway me and this girl were besties until we went to college. After my first year in college and I finally got to hangout with her I realized how much I wasn’t really like her anymore. I mean sure she’s still cool and all but the difference is I was growing up and she still has a lot of learning on her plate.

It’s kinda sad because i was so happy to see her after such a long time. I thought our flame would rekinkled and we’d go back to old times. But once I saw that she d care about was attention and getting fucked compared to having a good time with me at a party made me see just how trifflin, manipulative, and selfish. Honestly, guys are right  BROS shouldn’t never go after HOES. It’s not worth it. But i guess it’s better that I learned about this now then later. Atleast I know that some people I don’t get to see do still care.

All i have to say for the others is grow the fuck up. I’m not mad, I’m just oozing pitty for you. Because I know that either it’s going to take you a long time to realize how screwed up you are when you no longer have friends or your just going to stay like that and be miserable and just fuck every guy that will give you some attention. No one wants either of those things for a friend or an ex-friend (depending on the circumstances). It’s all not worth it. There’s so much to lose.

I don’t know if this made any sense but as long as I get, it’s all that matters.

There’s nothing I love more than to see or to be in an interracial relationship. I feel like it’s such a learning experience for both parties. Also, it can be an eye opener. Right now I’m in a very delicate situation with my boyfriend.

My family absolutely adores him. They want us to get married now. But his parents on the other hand well…. they still haven’t are trying to figure out why a black girl. It’s mostly his dad. His mom is really really nice to me. But that fact that his dad doesn’t like the fact that he’s with me hurts.Especially if they have a family get together or cookout and i’m not invited and if I was to have one his whole family would be invited. I wish that his dad could just accept me. I don’t know how to show him that i’m not a bad person and i don’t relate to all the stereo types. All I want is to love his son for the rest of my life. and if he can’t even handle us dating i can’t even imagine us trying to get married.

It really sucks and it’s slowly breaking my heart.

There is one thing i find to be a huge pet peeve to me and that’s when someone says i love you more. I feel like no one in the relationship has the right to say it unless the situation is abusive or one of the partners is then the faithful and the victim who in fact love the other more. But for normal relationship i feel it shouldn’t be said. It just causes problems and arguements that are not needed. Especially if the person really does believe it. I find that the person that usually says it the most only says it for stupid reasons. Like doing things for their partner that their partner cannot do for them because of certain circumstances. Maybe it’s because they don’t get paid as much or they don’t have a car or the right connections. I’m sure that they would love to do that for you and so much more but they can’t. The “I love you more” sayer should have known all of that prior to starting the relationship. So just because one partner is able to do alittle more for the other due to circumstances shouldn’t be a factor in deciding who loves the other more.

Secondly, it has come to my attention that people that say i love you more, often contradict themselves. Let’s say their was an arguement over something little the ” i love you more” partner did to partner B. Partner B gets mad and the “I love you more” partner just doesn’t see any fault. Partner B calmly explains and apologizes for their faults and wants an apology from the ” I love you more” partner so they can get back to being happy. But the “I love you more” Partner refuses to even talk to Partner B because Partner B is being “crazy”.

See my point? The “I love you more” partner has no right saying that they in fact love their lover more than their lover loves them. It’s ridiculous nonsense, and complete and totally bullshit. It shouldn’t be said and that’s it.

peace<3